Top Gear Tests the SUV
by enigma-kar
Summary: Ianto sends the SUV to Jeremy Clarkson at Top Gear to test. The Torchwood team watch the review.


**Disclaimer:** All Torchwood, Top Gear, it's characters and presenters all belong to the BBC. Certainly not me!

Oh and this story is for you, Lys! :D

* * *

"Quick guys, it's starting!" Ianto babbled excitedly, as he ushered everyone towards the couch, which was now situated in front of a large TV.

Gwen groaned; Ianto had been excitable for two entire weeks and nobody knew what it was about. Even Jack, and that was saying something. Finally it had all come down to this.

"What the bloody hell is this about, Ianto?" Owen demanded.

"I've been wanting to know myself." Jack prompted.

Ianto grinned and switched on the TV, "You'll find out soon."

Owen rolled his eyes at Tosh, who giggled. "What exactly are we watching?" she asked.

"You'll see." Ianto replied, mysteriously, and changed the channel to BBC1.

The theme for Top Gear had just started.

"A car show?' Tosh asked, raising her eyebrow.

"It's not just a car show, Tosh," Owen said, "It's the _best_ car show ever!"

"Why are we watching Top Gear anyway?" Jack asked.

"Shhh!" Ianto said and pointed to the screen in response.

"_Tonight: I test a new Mercedes, James actually does a lap of our track and Murray Melvin is our Star in a Reasonably Priced Car." The Voice of Jeremy Clarkson echoed around the Hub, followed by the cheering of many happy Top Gear Fans._

_The camera panned across the Top Gear studio and came to rest at Jeremy. _

"_Thank you," he hushed the crowd, "Hello and welcome!"_

"Do we actually have to watch this?" Gwen interrupted, "I could be home with Rhys!"

"Shhh!" Ianto said again, "You only have to watch the first few minutes, ok."

Gwen groaned, but made no attempt to move off the couch. She was curious to see what Ianto had been so excited about.

"_Now," Jeremy was saying "Top Gear gets emails every day saying how we never feature average, cheap, regular cars. And they are right, we don't. So, not wanting to taint our record, you will find no average, regular or cheap cars on the program tonight."_

Owen, Jack and Ianto sniggered at that; Tosh just rolled her eyes at Gwen, who sighed. "Boys and their toys." She muttered.

"_Last week, we were literally, and there is no other way of saying this, inundated with a phone call."_

"This is it!" Ianto whispered excitedly.

"_I am not allowed to say who called, because I will be killed." Jeremy stated matter-of-factly. _

"_Why don't you just say it, and get yourself killed?" Richard Hammond asked, almost hopefully, as he came into shot. _

"_Yeah, do us all a favour." James May added in, joining his co-workers._

_Jeremy shook his head. "That is wishful thinking," he said, "Anyway, the caller wanted me to test their car. Usually I would say no. However, after a few details, I was almost begging to test it."_

_The show cut to a car's headlights. _

"Oh my god!" Tosh whispered, knowing exactly what it was.

_The camera slowly zoomed out until the whole of the Torchwood SUV was in shot. _

"You gave Top Gear the SUV?" Jack asked, only slightly angry. He was actually amazed that Ianto had organised all this behind his back.

"Well, I wanted to see what Jezza thought of it." Ianto admitted. "He's kind of an idol to me..."

"I think it's brilliant!" Owen said, and for once he actually meant what he said.

"Do you have any idea of the risks you were taking?" Tosh asked, shocked. "You were lucky there was no major rift activity that week! What if we needed the SUV to get somewhere!"

"I had another car on standby, just in case. Not that we needed it in the end anyway," Ianto replied, "And I've retconned everyone I needed too. They all think the call was from MI5."

"MI5?"

"Shhh!" Owen hushed, this time. "I wanna watch this!"

Everyone shut up.

"_Now, underneath all the secret, black body kit, this is just a Range Rover." Jeremy was saying, standing beside the SUV, "However, there are a few changes. The suspension has been lowered for a sportier feel, it's been fitted with 19" wheels, and underneath the bonnet is a 6.5L V8 with two turbochargers."_

Owen whistled, "How come I never knew all this?"

"You never asked." Ianto replied.

"_And boy, does she go!" They cut to a shot of Jeremy power-sliding the SUV on the Top Gear Track. "As a result of this, the top speed is now a whopping 230 miles/hr and it goes from 0 - 60 in only 3.7seconds. That's nearly reaching Bugatti Veyron speeds! In a Range Rover!"_

_There was some more footage of Jeremy power-sliding and driving the SUV to the max, before they cut to the shot of Jeremy standing beside it. The Torchwood name badge down the sign was blurred out. _

"_Now, you may ask why I am telling you all this and even bothering to show you." He said. "It's true, you cannot buy one of these from your local Land Rover dealer. If fact you cannot buy one of these anywhere. As I said earlier, they are made especially for a secret organisation."_

"Yeah, Torchwood!" Jack said, proudly.

"_However, you can buy the body kit," Jeremy nodded towards the SUV, "So you buy your Range Rover for 90,000 pounds, then spend another 2,000 on the body kit. Which when you look at it, is an awful amount of money to spend on a Range Rover!"_

"He has a point there," Owen reasoned.

"_So, you too can look like you belong to a secret organisation, driving around in your overpriced Range Rover, but why would you want to?" Jeremy ended._

_The TV cut back to the Top Gear studio, with Jeremy, Richard and James gathered around the SUV. The crowd applauding. _

"_Really, what is the point?" Jeremy was saying. "Are all people working for secret organisations, idiots?"_

"_I think they must be!" Richard said, "Don't get me wrong, the engine in that is incredible and I love Land Rovers, but this is just taking it too far."_

"_Exactly," Jeremy nodded._

"_What I don't get is why these secret organisations have cars like this," James said, "I mean, not very inconspicuous is it?"_

"_Very true. I actually didn't like this," Jeremy continued, "There was just too much power for the Range Rover. The stats sounded good, but on the track it was almost sluggish, the power just didn't go anywhere. It was just a number. And the sound the engine made was atrocious! So much for secret!"_

"_Yes. Which brings us to some Top Gear Top Tips: One, if you want to look like an idiot, but a Range Rover with lots of body kit and Two, secret organisations, please ditch the Range Rover and buy yourselves something much less obvious like a Vauxhall!"_

Ianto switched the TV off in disgust. "He hated it!" he exclaimed, "Jeremy hated the SUV! I thought he'd love it. He's always going on about anti-environmental stuff."

Owen, Jack, Tosh and Gwen were all laughing.

"Well, if you're not happy send it off to Fifth Gear and see how they rate it." Owen joked.

* * * * *

_Two weeks later..._

"Rift activity has gone off the scale in Caerphilly!" Tosh's voice echoed around the Hub. "We need to get there now!"

Ianto, who was at his desk in the Tourist Information Centre, winced. This would not be good.

The five of them made their ways quickly down to the car park under the Wales Millennium Centre.

In the SUV's usual car parking space, an early model Mini was parked.

"Uh, sorry guys, it was the best I could find in the time I had." Ianto confessed. "The, uh, SUV is at Fifth Gear's studio..." he trailed off, looking sheepish.

Owen was not impressed. "Ianto, I was joking!"

"You have got to be bloody kidding me!" Jack exclaimed, "There is no way I will be seen in that! I won't fit!"

Tosh, Gwen and Ianto giggled at that mental image.


End file.
